By: Kristin Peterson (2/16/23)
Oh how Twisted…
to know what’s not meant for you,
to wrestle the desire to possess or undress nevertheless…
to consume or to be consumed by…
to Be or Not: to Be.
Oh, to let loose…
to be in that Moment…
Adrift…
Uninhibited…
…to find sweet Release…
But…
…it has yet to be ever that simple for me…
Oh, to crave security and freedom in equal measure…
to overindulge then practice strict personal measures of control in seeming piety…
…more close to a grainy mix of shame and disappointment in unknown and therefore unmet expectation…
rigid with overcompensation…
bordering on…
Icy…
Frozen over…
Polars playing at:
Dissociative tendencies…
yet to most met:
Smiles. Warm wishes. Laughter. Silliness. Lack of inhibition.
Seriousness. Intensity. Intuition. Unavailability.
In desperate need of a multiverse of chances…
yet here I go…
tricking myself into believing my own mysticism…
believing in the mask of silver veneer, slick with Reason…
That martyrdom of being “Unknown” or “Misunderstood…”
Yet the Other sometimes tends to know my Self better than I honestly prefer to admit…
Busted.
Trying to hide the mess of shattered Self…
…rather than picking up the pieces…
One. by. One…
Mirrors unintentionally set to look outward…
Validation sought at a loss to soul…
Inauthenticity seeming accidental in nature…
entirely undisciplined in queries of healing…
Flashes of Self lost in a sea of Irrationality
for personal, familial, and societal use…
a projection of “Unbreakable”
a survival mechanism of Pride set in youth of what one could control…
stone set in chin so deeply, now lies granite and solid in line, refusing to tremble…
Untamable…
Unbreakable…
Unallowable…
Personal Protection…
to project lack of emotional entanglement…
despite undercurrents of uncomfortability:
true feelings stir within the seat of Potentiality
playing at odds with Arrested Development
the unbridled beauty run wild within…
and there…
on sacrificial altar of altered innocence:
beauty meets pain…
the roots of a condition that tires me to even acknowledge…
but here I lay…
at the foot of THE Mountain…
willing to Surrender…
and take the time to lead that little girl…
…hand in hand…
back up the mountain…
where she deserves to be:
Just. As. She. Is…
UnAltered…
a Maiden Queen in ivory spare
Mountain Mama next to share…
that’s where I’m going…
that’s what I intend to do…
so for now: I give up…
…so many things…
So please spare me the plot Twists, would you fate?
Tonight: My legs are weak and my heart is heavy…
how long this road to tread before the break of Mercy?
But truly: when surely looking, one will find…
Mercy and Love and all that is needed comes in daily reprieves and habits learned with routine, practice, and:
Self-Awareness
of thinking patterns
of ego states
of desires
questioning who is “running the show” when such desires are either met nor unmet…
SO, turns out, I AM in control…
more so than the traps of trauma would have me admit in historic review…
and so finally: Hope has been laid at my doorstep…
so not long shall I wallow in the past,
but choose instead to Acknowledge, Heal, Address, and Flow
I pray today
tomorrow
And all days:
Have Mercy
Let us live as intentionally as possible to prevent further damage…
to self and others….
And instead be as Lights upon the Path,
to Self and Others,
to brighten the days before the Dawn…
and I shall be as Aurora,
heralding the arrival of a New Self and therefore a New World ahead…
May it be so.
Amen.
